When I wrote How to Say NO: Kick the Disease to Please (Hodder) I had no idea I would become a bestselling author in Saudi Arabia and Armenia. Of course, the book did well here, and I still talk about the need to watch out for the ‘disease to please’ which is commonly known as ‘co-dependency’. In the 1950’s and 60’s in America, Alcoholics Anonymous did some ground-breaking research on what happened to relationships when alcoholics gave up drinking. It seemed that the people who were wed to, or close to, alcoholics often were propping up their drinking addiction by needing to be needed. Once the drinker stopped drinking, the person closest to them was no longer of great importance. They had been the one to help them stagger home, or wipe up the vomit or sort out the chaos. They had sacrificed their lives for their helpless drinking spouse. Now, a sober partner, struggling to be independent and clean, posed quite a threat. The partner or family member was no-longer needed; their campaign to keep someone sober was no longer wanted. They felt rejected, isolated, alone and even angry. They had to face their own needs, which probably had not been met. Perhaps they felt unloved, empty and only defined themselves by being useful. In fact, they were addicted to the addict needing them! This is a perverse result, but it explains the roots of people pleasing. Many of us feel we have not had enough attention, love, kindness or help in life, and, instead we set about being indispensable rescuers to those we perceive as ‘less than’. In fact, we ignore our own needs as we serve the needs of others – a kind of emotional martyrdom. Other people experience this kind of behaviour as baffling and controlling. Smothering even. If you are a people pleaser, you might be that great neighbour who is always helping out, or that conscientious mother or worker, who goes the extra mile or the person who always volunteers to serve the teas. This isn’t a bad thing, but it is often unboundaried. It can make others feel uncomfortable, for a start. And also, it can be quite disempowering to those around, who are wanting to take control of their own lives. I have just made a short film, with a quiz, for the BBC iWonder page (www.bbb.co.uk/iWonder) which will go on line on xxxxxx. Why not take a look and see if you suffer from the ‘disease to please’? It might just help you to say ‘no’ when you really want to…
Are You A People Pleaser?
